- 6th
- May
- 2010
When I reflect on my first relationship, I realize it was pretty easy for me to put down or forget every good memory. Maybe it’s because I was young and naive. On top of the fact that I never really felt much for him. Cliche to say, but maybe its because I knew deep down that it’s not love.
Now, reflecting on my past relationship (the one that recently ended), I guess whatever I just said is true for him. Sure, he said lots of things about the future and love. But I guess he didn’t really mean it. And yes, I do know this, but having my friends emphasize this or tell it to my face is a whole different issue. I feel like I’ve been slapped, or stabbed, or both. He’s young… 18 to be exact. Yes, we all say things we don’t mean, do things we probably shouldn’t when we’re young. But, from the moment you realize you should not be doing what you’re doing or saying what you’re saying, you should voice it out.
Am I making sense?
I think my mind is a mess right now.
Can you be friends with someone who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you?
The fact that he had no response whatsoever to the fact that I won’t be able to see him again for god knows how long is not helping. “Oh okay,” was what he said, to be exact. He said it in such a… matter-of-fact way. A friend told me that “I take his words too seriously.” It makes me wonder if I should live life with no expectations. I mean, with no expectations, you don’t get hurt. I expected a reaction from him or at least a “good luck with everything you’re doing.” None, nada, zilch. It’s almost as if our relationship for 9 months never existed. It’s almost as if all the times I was there supporting him - helping him with his English work, advising him about life/job/internship, helping him realize how much he has to offer, making sure he felt like home while he was away from his dorm - never existed. And sometimes I believe it has come to that sad fact. He always said he isn’t a photo-person. Well, there goes any tangible memories we might have had. His memory isn’t the best, too. How convenient. No, I am not saying he did it on purpose. I am just saying it’s convenient.
Everyone says the same things.
“Move on”
“He isn’t worth your time”
“He will regret someday”
Somehow I highly doubt he’ll even remember who I am, as a person. You know, my traits, how I was to him and all that. The sad part is, when I look back, I only remember the good pleasant moments. The bad ones always seem to blur in comparison.
Feeling like you never left an impression on someone’s life or you’re not remembered by someone you care about is, by far, the worst feeling I have ever experienced. I can’t describe it. In the movies, the actress always says “my heart hurts… right here” and points to her chest. Now I know it isn’t a figure of speech. She wasn’t kidding.
