wanderlust

Other people’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.

“You went out to achieve an objective, and you did not achieve what you set out to do.”

“You were so quiet, you need to socialize!”

I don’t know why I got so mad inside when these lines were thrown at my face. I guess I thought he implied that I was not good at socializing… and maybe I really suck at it. But the quote, “It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.” really resonates with what happened to me today. Have you ever been constantly around someone who’s made you feel like shit about yourself? I have, and I hate that I’m starting to feel this way again. NO ONE has the right to make anyone feel bad about themselves. Don’t ever let anyone’s word affect you. The only way they can is if you let them. 

I feel like I’m on an emotional fritz right now. I cried for the dumbest of things several times this week. 

So I’ve been away.

Wow. I don’t know what happened, really. Time just kind of slipped by. It’s almost a year since I’ve been back to this bad boy. 

The scary thing is I’m going to graduate from college soon. The sad thing is I wish I’d done so much more. The reality is I know I can’t. 

I don’t revel in history. What is gone, is gone. What isn’t yours will never be yours. That’s what puzzles me about some people, they cling on to something of the yesteryear. To what end? 

Admittedly, when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, it was tough reminding myself that all we had is now just but a fleeting memory. That mental and emotional ordeal lasted for a good two months, maybe three. I eventually got out of that rut and propped myself back up on my feet. Now, I never feel a need to drunk call my ex-boyfriend or a need to make frivolous small talk with him on MSN. Nothing, nada, ziltch! It feels liberating to be free of a dead-weight holding me back from the mirage of possibilities that await me; be it in love, life, friends or work. The crux of the matter is, I won’t be holding him back either. 

That brings me back to what I don’t get in people. Some people can revel in their history. They hold themselves back, as well as the other party. Is that fair? Is that healthy? What do they expect to get out of it? 

“Letting go will set you free.” - as cliche as it sounds, it resonates with my state of mind at this very moment. 

There are things we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But I keep in mind that letting go of something or someone isn’t the end of the world. It’s a new beginning. 

With that, tumblr, say hello to your new skin. 

We all have good and bad days. On a bad day, if a random stranger accidentally shoved me, I’d probably let out a loud ‘tsk’ and give him/her my best death stare. On the other hand, on a good day, if that were to happen, I’d probably not think twice about it and continue on my way. I might even smile back and apologize for something he/she did. 

Today, the idea of arriving home in a couple of hours has rendered me silly-happy. Yes, I made that word up. That’s how jolly I am to be heading back. On the plane, I was probably shoved a good three times, hit by someone’s bag two times and had something drop on me one time. I think I smiled and said ‘It’s okay’ for most of it. 

I think sometimes people say they’ve had a bad day over small things like this. It’s kind of funny, if you think about it. If you lost your job, then, sure, you’ve just had a bad day. If you got shoved and you go all ape-shit and decide to sulk all day then that’s pretty stupid. 

When I reflect on my first relationship, I realize it was pretty easy for me to put down or forget every good memory. Maybe it’s because I was young and naive. On top of the fact that I never really felt much for him. Cliche to say, but maybe its because I knew deep down that it’s not love. 

Now, reflecting on my past relationship (the one that recently ended), I guess whatever I just said is true for him. Sure, he said lots of things about the future and love. But I guess he didn’t really mean it. And yes, I do know this, but having my friends emphasize this or tell it to my face is a whole different issue. I feel like I’ve been slapped, or stabbed, or both. He’s young… 18 to be exact. Yes, we all say things we don’t mean, do things we probably shouldn’t when we’re young. But, from the moment you realize you should not be doing what you’re doing or saying what you’re saying, you should voice it out. 

Am I making sense?

I think my mind is a mess right now. 

Can you be friends with someone who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you?

The fact that he had no response whatsoever to the fact that I won’t be able to see him again for god knows how long is not helping. “Oh okay,” was what he said, to be exact. He said it in such a… matter-of-fact way. A friend told me that “I take his words too seriously.” It makes me wonder if I should live life with no expectations. I mean, with no expectations, you don’t get hurt. I expected a reaction from him or at least a “good luck with everything you’re doing.” None, nada, zilch. It’s almost as if our relationship for 9 months never existed. It’s almost as if all the times I was there supporting him - helping him with his English work, advising him about life/job/internship, helping him realize how much he has to offer, making sure he felt like home while he was away from his dorm - never existed. And sometimes I believe it has come to that sad fact. He always said he isn’t a photo-person. Well, there goes any tangible memories we might have had. His memory isn’t the best, too. How convenient. No, I am not saying he did it on purpose. I am just saying it’s convenient.  

Everyone says the same things. 

“Move on”

“He isn’t worth your time”

“He will regret someday”

Somehow I highly doubt he’ll even remember who I am, as a person. You know, my traits, how I was to him and all that. The sad part is, when I look back, I only remember the good pleasant moments. The bad ones always seem to blur in comparison. 

Feeling like you never left an impression on someone’s life or you’re not remembered by someone you care about is, by far, the worst feeling I have ever experienced. I can’t describe it. In the movies, the actress always says “my heart hurts… right here” and points to her chest. Now I know it isn’t a figure of speech. She wasn’t kidding.